The Barclay's

Tonight might be only words. I feel bad when I only post words. I feel like words let people down. You know, "a picture is worth a thousand words," but a word is just worth one word I guess. I might pull some pictures out, just so as not to disappoint anyone, but most of what is on my mind can't really be captured in a single moment. You see, my baby boy turns eight today. In just about 5 and half hours to be exact. At 5:13 AM August 8th, 2002, Kevin and I introduced Bryan Thomas Barclay to the world. I remember very little about the whole process really. I had my first labor pain a little after 3 AM...just sat right up from a deep sleep like they do on television. I believe I even woke Kevin up by saying, "honey, it's time". He didn't even GET the joke...men rarely do. Their sense of humor is so skewed when you wake them from sleep. Yet another reason why it is a good thing that God made females' the primary caregiver. You might even say it's a God thing (kind of a take off of a "good thing" get it?...really, you don't...are you a man?) Okay, I digress. So I'm in labor. My good friend and neighbor Judy Osborne had consented to watch the older kids when the moment arrived so she walked...yes that's right walked from her house to mine. I do clearly remember standing bent over in my front door frame, deep in a contraction, as Judy power walked around the corner. I still adore her...everything turned out just fine. The next moment I remember was lying on a gurney (I was initially going to say stretcher but that sounded "ER"ish). So, I'm on a gurney in the hallway of the birthing floor. I remember it being crowded and they weren't sure where they were going to put me.
It was just after 4 AM now, merely an hour after my first contraction. The Dr arrived and I told him I wanted an epidural. I had experienced my first epidural just short of three years earlier when Travis was born. Yes, I had our first four children without pain medication! Some things in life make no sense. Kevin and I joke now about the "Travis experience". We remember the joy of the epidural. We laughed and talked during major contractions. We also find it ironic that our most peaceful birthing experience produced the most intense child we have been blessed to raise. God has an amazing sense of humor and purpose. Anyway, back to 2002. I told the doctor that I wanted an epidural and his exact words were "oh honey, you are not going to have time". I remember thinking, well crap. And that is, quite honestly, all I remember. I want to say I can remember looking at Bryan for the first time, or nursing him for the first time, or locking eyes with him for the first time. Because I know it all happened. I just don't remember it. The only thing I can say is it was natural, normal, necessary. It was meant to be. Bryan was meant to be.

Kevin and I like to tell people the story of our pre -marraige "plans" for children. He claimed he wanted no more than three, I wanted no less than three. Now we say, "he didn't know I meant three of each". But to imagine we could have stopped before Bryan is unthinkable and I honestly don't believe it's just because he's been hanging around for the last eight years. I simply believe God knows what we need; What we can handle. What completes us as an individual; a couple; as a family. So very "Jerry McGuire" of me but he did, Bryan... "completed us"...and just in case you're wondering he also, "had me at hello". And how could he not, he was beautiful, he still is. I was going to try to post baby pictures of him tonight but I got home late and didn't feel like scanning. So you'll have to take my word for it. He is, and always has been, one good looking hombre. But there is something about who he is and what he's made me that is so much more than anyone can see. I shared a story with him tonight about a time, shortly after he was born, when Kevin and I were down in the kitchen with him in the middle of the night. I'm not even positive why, but there we were. I was holding Bryan in front of me and just staring into his little face and Kevin said, "you gaze at him more than I remember you gazing at the other kids" and I said, "I think it's because I know he's my last". But, I'm not so sure that was it. I look back now and I realize he has always filled me with a sense of completion. I did what I was supposed to do. I"m far from done. I know that. There are a lot of years left in parenting an eight year old. But he made us the family that we will take through this lifetime. The unit that we will be, unbroken, until we open to allow sons and daughters in-law and grandchildren into the circle.

It seems ironic to say that I think having Bryan made me able to slow down. What I mean by that is something inside me was jarred into understanding that he was it...this was the last time I was going to do everything baby, toddler, pre-school etc... and I could either relax and enjoy it...soak it all in, or I could stress through it and remember nothing. I am so grateful to God for allowing me to see this in time. For allowing me the understanding to love each stage and each situation with the eyes of someone who realizes that time marches quickly.

So, there you have it. My birth story. Not all that fascinating really. I don't remember the deeply emotional moments. I do remember that the hospital wanted to put Bryan in special care, just like they had done with Cole and Travis and I put my foot down and said, "his pediatrician says he is fine. If you can prove to me that he will be better in your sterile nursery than in his mother's loving arms then you can have him...but until then he is mine." I wanted that time. I wanted those days; those hours; those moments. Even though I don't remember them now, I know I appreciated them then. And that is how I look at each moment with Bryan and, because of him, I am able to remember to relax and enjoy each of my children on a different and deeper level than I think I understood was possible before. I can't slow down the passage of time and I honestly don't think I want to. I have enjoyed each stage and continue to be amazed by the things my children have done and have the potential to do. I am in awe of them and the God who made them and then gave them to me and their dad, to guide, guard and love. I never want to turn back time. I just want to give them, myself, and each day to God and soak in the glories He fills it all with.