Roots and Wings part deux

Today we took my baby girl back to school. Clearly, she is not a baby anymore. Samantha Lin is beginning her sophomore year at Huntington University in Indiana. I'm beginning my sophomore year of letting go...
It will always be a struggle...

Most of you who take the time to read this will be, at least, familiar with Samantha, but there are some things only her momma could know. Of course, I'm not going to divulge her deepest darkest secrets. I'm not even sure she has any. Honestly, on the way home I tried to remember the worst thing she had ever done. The only thing I could come up with was, in the third grade, when she used her own money to buy $5.00 worth of gel pens from the school store. She thought she would get in trouble for spending her money so she told us someone gave them to her. That's it...that's our horror story. Oh, she drank once too...communion wine...on a mission trip to Bulgaria. She's the kind of kid that makes her younger siblings angry because "I know, I know, Samantha never does anything wrong." Which is, while inaccurate, not far off. Suffice it to say, she's a good kid...correction...she was a good kid...now she's an adult.

Sometimes I'm hard on my girl. I want her to work more, try harder, stand up straight... you know the drill. I just want the world to see what I see. But, I see her from the inside out. She has a heart for people that is undeniable. She is, hands down, one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. She has suffered plenty. Not physically or even mentally...but sometimes the world is a tough place for a nice person. She was never part of the "in crowd" and never seemed to be anyone's first choice. Having been through it all, I was able to tell her that it wouldn't matter forever...life is not like high school. Except for sometimes when it is. Life is predictably unpredictable.







So I've had to apologize a lot more lately. Because, God's been opening my heart and letting me know that she's not mine anymore...I've done my job and she is His perfect creation. I'm still here to love her and nobody could stop me from doing that. Now that she's a grown up, I get to be her friend also, which makes me feel so blessed. But, I do have to let go. Not to give her to the world, but to give her to God, her father. To see her through His eyes. To know that He has a plan for her. To step back, just a bit, and let her handle it on her own. It won't be easy...but, as I said, I'm only a sophomore at letting go so I've got some room to grow as well.






Not everyone will take the time to get to know this young lady...but, the world is a better place because she's in it. I'm not just saying that because I'm her mom...well, maybe I am...but I'm also correct.



They are all good kids, but today is Samantha's day. Today is the day I want the world to know that it is possible to love God, love your family, follow the rules and still have fun in life. If you want to know how, just watch her go:-) And if you look back and see me, and I have a little tear in my eye...well...I've earned it. She will, after all, always be my baby.

The best "worst dog ever" ever...

A lot of people have dogs or had dogs growing up. I didn't have dogs growing up. My dad said our yard wasn't big enough for a dog...but seriously, how big does a yard have to be for say, a Chihuahua (I had to ask Abby how to spell that! She actually failed and spellcheck picked up the slack) Anyway, the point is...I think my dad just didn't want a dog. They have one now, my mom and dad, thanks to me. I picked out a clearance puppy and, along with my siblings and dad, gave it to my mom last year for her birthday...that'll teach him!

But the point is, I didn't have a dog growing up...and I was seriously jealous of all dog owners. But, after not having one growing up, it became the more natural thing than having one and it took me many years of home ownership before I realized that I could actually be in charge of that decision, sort of...You see, I'm married, and apparently it is common in stable marriages to ask your spouse's opinion on such matters as getting a pet...who knew?

Our first pets were cats...two of them...Thunder and Lightning. They were okay but cats only provide so much "pet fun" before they are just something you are cleaning up poop and hair (and sometimes worse) after. We had the cats for about a year and Kevin had eased into being a "pet owner" when we watched the movie Shiloh...never do that...that movie makes Beagles seem like really cool pets. So we got a beagle and we named her Casey (Cole, Abby, Samantha and Erin...the "Y" was just because Case was a stupid name for a dog.) Everything was okay (sort of) until I got pregnant with Travis. I couldn't handle taking care of a dog and also there was nowhere to put a T in that name and still make it a good name for a dog. So she went to live elsewhere.

About a year and a half after Travis was born my oldest (and by oldest I mean most long standing) friend in the world lost her husband in a car accident. It sort of threw me for a loop because I couldn't save him for her. I couldn't fix it. So for some crazy reason known only to God I did two things. I got pregnant again and I got into rescuing dogs (and cats and anything needy I could get my hands on). Things got a little out of hand for awhile (if you ask Kevin he would say a lot out of hand...but we didn't ask Kevin). Eventually, I decided that I wanted the perfect dog and I started doing research on what that perfect dog would be. I became enthralled with the border collie because they are so smart and smart='s perfect...right?

We found a border collie breeder in Richmond, Virginia...in hindsight, I wonder why I didn't just find one around here...but that would take a lot of fun out of this story so I guess I'm glad I didn't. We picked our dog out through pictures on a website. He was born in early June 2003 and we were allowed to pick him up about five weeks later (too early). I loaded the kids in the van to go get him. We took a friend of Samantha's with us and also picked up a stranger in West Virginia who had purchased a dog from the same breeder a year before. Looking back, this was an extremely odd decision...and she was just plain weird...I would not do that again.

We drove straight to Virginia and stayed in a hotel near the highway were the snipers of 2002 had taken some victims...that was an odd, yet interesting factual tidbit on our trip. I remember driving by signs for Washington D.C. and other historical landmarks without ever considering a stop...I'm a much different person now. We picked up our dog and one other dog that we were bringing back to Michigan so another person could take her home. The lady we were picking up the dog for was named Judy..so that is what we called the spare. We named our dog Levi and he rode almost all the way home from Richmond, Virginia on the back of my neck as I drove.

Kevin wasn't really a fan of the "idea" of this dog. Kevin is a type A guy...he really likes his "ducks in a row" and he has often thrown around terms like "financial security" and "being responsible" with our money. I think God has a super huge sense of humor when I think about Him making Kevin fall in love with me:-) But anyway, he didn't like the idea that we were paying $500.00 for a dog and driving all the way to Virginia to get it. It took Kevin about 24 hours to fall for Levi. He really is that cool of a dog.

From the start Levi was well behaved. He never chewed anything up. He liked to play and it may have taken us all of a day or two to house train him. So, folks aren't lying when they say border collies are smart. He did run out onto a couple of soccer fields in the middle of games. Including a college match at SAU...Kevin was, in fact, mortified by this fact...stuff happens!

As Levi aged though we noticed he would not do "dog things". He won't play fetch, well, he will chase a ball or Frisbee, but he won't bring it back. He just knocks it down and then looks at us like we are some kind of imbecile for just tossing something away when, clearly by the way we are begging him to bring it back to us, we wanted it. We also noticed a pronounced limp in his rear, right paw. After several vet appointments and a trip to MSU for x-rays, we found he was actually missing a toe bone and was likely developing severe arthritis due to the rubbing of bones together. It doesn't really stop him from chasing the kids, any kids, trying to keep them in a circle. He just pulls up his foot and keeps on running. I can only imagine the pain he is in but he never even acts grumpy.

When I contacted the breeder to let her know Levi had a "genetic fault" she gave me the option of returning him and picking out another dog. This was NEVER even considered. How can you not remain faithful to an animal who remains faithful to you.

So he is 7 years old now. He has horrible breath, his hair falls out in clumps and he has doggy dandruff. His foot has only gotten worse. He can't even go for walks with us because it just seems so painful. He is still the coolest dog in the world. He plays hide n seek, and is the best soccer goalie in the house. He puts up with all the different animals and people we have brought through the house in the past 7 years and occasionally tries to play with us just to remind us that he still knows he's supposed to be a dog.

"Dog people" tried to warn me away from the Border Collie breed; "You know they need a job or they become destructive", "You know they will nip at your children when they run". Dogs are individuals just like people. Levi would be appalled that he is associated with a high maintenance dog breed. He would be sure to show you that he has risen above his station in life. Maybe just because, even though he wasn't perfect, or even what we expected, he was accepted for who he was and loved unconditionally. Hmmmm...maybe there is a lesson in there...

I'm including some of my most recent favorite pictures of Levi because I like pictures. I would post some of the old ones too but he looks pretty much the same only bigger!

Tonight might be only words. I feel bad when I only post words. I feel like words let people down. You know, "a picture is worth a thousand words," but a word is just worth one word I guess. I might pull some pictures out, just so as not to disappoint anyone, but most of what is on my mind can't really be captured in a single moment. You see, my baby boy turns eight today. In just about 5 and half hours to be exact. At 5:13 AM August 8th, 2002, Kevin and I introduced Bryan Thomas Barclay to the world. I remember very little about the whole process really. I had my first labor pain a little after 3 AM...just sat right up from a deep sleep like they do on television. I believe I even woke Kevin up by saying, "honey, it's time". He didn't even GET the joke...men rarely do. Their sense of humor is so skewed when you wake them from sleep. Yet another reason why it is a good thing that God made females' the primary caregiver. You might even say it's a God thing (kind of a take off of a "good thing" get it?...really, you don't...are you a man?) Okay, I digress. So I'm in labor. My good friend and neighbor Judy Osborne had consented to watch the older kids when the moment arrived so she walked...yes that's right walked from her house to mine. I do clearly remember standing bent over in my front door frame, deep in a contraction, as Judy power walked around the corner. I still adore her...everything turned out just fine. The next moment I remember was lying on a gurney (I was initially going to say stretcher but that sounded "ER"ish). So, I'm on a gurney in the hallway of the birthing floor. I remember it being crowded and they weren't sure where they were going to put me.
It was just after 4 AM now, merely an hour after my first contraction. The Dr arrived and I told him I wanted an epidural. I had experienced my first epidural just short of three years earlier when Travis was born. Yes, I had our first four children without pain medication! Some things in life make no sense. Kevin and I joke now about the "Travis experience". We remember the joy of the epidural. We laughed and talked during major contractions. We also find it ironic that our most peaceful birthing experience produced the most intense child we have been blessed to raise. God has an amazing sense of humor and purpose. Anyway, back to 2002. I told the doctor that I wanted an epidural and his exact words were "oh honey, you are not going to have time". I remember thinking, well crap. And that is, quite honestly, all I remember. I want to say I can remember looking at Bryan for the first time, or nursing him for the first time, or locking eyes with him for the first time. Because I know it all happened. I just don't remember it. The only thing I can say is it was natural, normal, necessary. It was meant to be. Bryan was meant to be.

Kevin and I like to tell people the story of our pre -marraige "plans" for children. He claimed he wanted no more than three, I wanted no less than three. Now we say, "he didn't know I meant three of each". But to imagine we could have stopped before Bryan is unthinkable and I honestly don't believe it's just because he's been hanging around for the last eight years. I simply believe God knows what we need; What we can handle. What completes us as an individual; a couple; as a family. So very "Jerry McGuire" of me but he did, Bryan... "completed us"...and just in case you're wondering he also, "had me at hello". And how could he not, he was beautiful, he still is. I was going to try to post baby pictures of him tonight but I got home late and didn't feel like scanning. So you'll have to take my word for it. He is, and always has been, one good looking hombre. But there is something about who he is and what he's made me that is so much more than anyone can see. I shared a story with him tonight about a time, shortly after he was born, when Kevin and I were down in the kitchen with him in the middle of the night. I'm not even positive why, but there we were. I was holding Bryan in front of me and just staring into his little face and Kevin said, "you gaze at him more than I remember you gazing at the other kids" and I said, "I think it's because I know he's my last". But, I'm not so sure that was it. I look back now and I realize he has always filled me with a sense of completion. I did what I was supposed to do. I"m far from done. I know that. There are a lot of years left in parenting an eight year old. But he made us the family that we will take through this lifetime. The unit that we will be, unbroken, until we open to allow sons and daughters in-law and grandchildren into the circle.

It seems ironic to say that I think having Bryan made me able to slow down. What I mean by that is something inside me was jarred into understanding that he was it...this was the last time I was going to do everything baby, toddler, pre-school etc... and I could either relax and enjoy it...soak it all in, or I could stress through it and remember nothing. I am so grateful to God for allowing me to see this in time. For allowing me the understanding to love each stage and each situation with the eyes of someone who realizes that time marches quickly.

So, there you have it. My birth story. Not all that fascinating really. I don't remember the deeply emotional moments. I do remember that the hospital wanted to put Bryan in special care, just like they had done with Cole and Travis and I put my foot down and said, "his pediatrician says he is fine. If you can prove to me that he will be better in your sterile nursery than in his mother's loving arms then you can have him...but until then he is mine." I wanted that time. I wanted those days; those hours; those moments. Even though I don't remember them now, I know I appreciated them then. And that is how I look at each moment with Bryan and, because of him, I am able to remember to relax and enjoy each of my children on a different and deeper level than I think I understood was possible before. I can't slow down the passage of time and I honestly don't think I want to. I have enjoyed each stage and continue to be amazed by the things my children have done and have the potential to do. I am in awe of them and the God who made them and then gave them to me and their dad, to guide, guard and love. I never want to turn back time. I just want to give them, myself, and each day to God and soak in the glories He fills it all with.

Cooperstown

On Wednesday morning (well afternoon because we are the Barclays') we arrived at Cooperstown to visit the Baseball Hall of Fame. Cooperstown is a "quaint" little town (sorry, it was the only word I could really use). I was beside myself with excitement about all the different stores I could visit. I saw several bookstores and my eyes brightened...sadly, by the time we finished visiting the Hall and souvenir shopping, the bookstore was closed :-( But, I took a picture of this shirt because it made me smile.

Cole and Bryan looking longingly into the gift shop windows.

We are officially MEMBERS of the baseball hall of fame (at least for this calendar year!)

We received pins for joining the Hall as family members (which is ALWAYS cheaper for us than buying individual day passes) Cole failed at putting the pin on. This is Erin helping him "function". If we never hear the word "function" again after this trip it will be okay!

Travis and Kevin peruse the menu at TJ's the restaurant we chose. After Travis chose his lunch he needed to entertain himself. Abby, was, as always, mortified to be related to him.

These guys were champion resters.

At one point in my young life (mid 70's) my family took a trip to St Louis. We went to a St Louis Cardinals game and I forever remembered a moment in that game when Lou Brock stole a base and it was a milestone moment (apparently) because they stopped the game and presented him with the base. I decided, because nobody could prove otherwise, that this was that same base.

Above the crew watches Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First" comedy routine.

Travis' sandal fell apart and we had to borrow tape from a gift shop to put it back together. It was a "white trash" moment but it was so us. The only group picture we have of all of us. As always nobody does a good job of centering us in the picture. Thank goodness for editing programs.

Over all we had a great visit to Cooperstown. We headed back to our motel to regroup for our next adventure....coming soon to a blog near you...well this one...so stayed tuned!!!!

We planned to leave Rochester "early-ish" on Tuesday to get over to our hotel in Cooperstown. Of course, whenever the kids all get back together it is hard to break them apart. Buffalo Bills training camp was, once again, being held in Rochester so Kevin and Karen took the kids that could go, (Samantha, Henry, Jordan, Kyle, Cole and Bryan) and met Mike there. I have never been to a Bill's training camp and, since they came home and told me, not only how hot it was, but that they got poured on, I likely never will. But, the folks that went had fun.

They did some observing and some snacking.


Bryan did his best to just be Bryan!

The football seems about as big as he is.

But he made it.

When the crew got home from camp we had a late dinner then chatted for a while more. Kevin's plan was to leave at 8:30 I think we finally pulled out at 9:21...not bad. We did manage to get pictures of the group together even though we thought we had missed the opportunity. Everyone was here for the evening except for Taylor who had gone out on a date with her boyfriend Corey. She was a good sport though and stopped home to jump into her spot for pictures.

These two pictures are actually from the night before but needed to be in here.

Below is the group setting up for the picture waiting for Taylor to hop into her spot

Here she comes, fresh from dinner looking like the princess that she is.
Not everyone is ready yet but we are getting there

Here we go...

...two reasonably good pictures (well except for Henry who knows what he was doing)

...aannnnddd...we're done.

Samantha with her Godparents.

Taylor breaking into her "secret stash" to share some candy with Erin

All of our princess pretty pretty's

The folks that started it all

One big happy family!

After this shot we loaded up the van and headed for Cooperstown. That post will have to come tomorrow as I am tired. Get some sleep too...it will be good:-)