30 things?

Lately the "kids" have been posting something new on facebook. It seems to be called "30 things" and it is supposed to be 30 random facts about them that others may not know. I think this is intriguing. I also think it is naively wonderful for teenagers to think that the things they post are what make them unique. It takes a little bit of life experience to really be able to find the things in you that are unique and that make you a special creation. In order to be retrospective you need to actually have something that is considered "retro". Honestly, I have had the same hair style longer than most of these kids have been toilet trained. But, I'm not here to bash teenagers. I have four of my own that serve me quite well in that area. I love them, they are spectacular and what floors me a little is that in less than three short months one of them will no longer fall into the category "teenager". But that is also, not why I'm here. I thought today, as we end this year 2010, I should post 30 things about myself. I have to be honest, when I saw the "30 things" posts on Facebook I rarely read them. Mostly for the reasons I mentioned before. I can't imagine most people have 30 things that I need to know about them. That statement segues quite well into my first "thing" of 30 that you may not know about me:

1. I don't really like people; I said this a couple of months ago as I sat around a table with some good friends playing games and sharing laughs. One of those friends laughed and said, "you've got to be kidding, you are almost always surrounded by people." I couldn't not agree. Our home is full of children and said children have activities and friends they bring over and I am totally okay with that. And I am friendly, but I am rarely me. The person I am when I am outside my home is the shell of the person I am when I'm here, with my family, and an even thinner shell of the person I am when I'm alone. That person could change the world...if she liked people.

2. I've never watched one single episode of reality television...and I never will.

3. I, not so secretly, think my children are more beautiful, kind and talented than any other kids on the planet. I'm okay with us all agreeing to disagree on this one...but just look at them...they are exceptional.

4. I'm pretty confident that I'm not going to be able to come up with 30 things about me that are unique. I'm not saying that there aren't 30 things. I'm saying that my memory is starting to fail me and I'm pretty sure I won't have the attention span to sit here and come up with 30 interesting things.

5. I love to read. This might not be considered interesting or unique. But it will get me to a higher number before I have to quit.

6. I want people to like me. This might sound silly, because don't we all really wish to be liked? But, I have had a complex since childhood. I've always felt sort of "out of place" and it followed me to through school, where I was a bit of a bully to those deemed "lower on the totem pole" then me because I really wanted to be liked by those higher up. I never really was accepted and I never felt worthy...to the point that it was just a few years ago in my marriage that I actually believed Kevin was in for the long haul. That he actually loved me, for me. Who knew. I am less overbearing now when I like people. I figure if they choose not to like me it is really their loss...as arrogant as that sounds it is true. After 45 plus years on this planet I realized...

7. I'm actually a pretty swell person. I'm not Mother Teresa...but I quote her on Facebook. I try really hard to be a good wife and mother, sibling, daughter and friend. I try not to sweat the small stuff. (I would make a book out of that but I feel like it's been done.)

8. I'm not sure if I really love Jesus. I'm not saying I don't believe in Jesus. I'm just trying to be honest. I love the idea of Jesus. I want to believe that there is a savior that died just for me. And, in theory, I do. I live in such a way that, I believe, Jesus would be pleased with. But, can I say "I love you" to Jesus like I can to my children? I don't think I would be honest if I said yes. But, I'm going to keep trying. Because I believe in eternity and I believe that with all my heart.

9. I had two white mice when I was in 6th grade. Their names were Dorthy and Gertrude after my Grandma's. They were supposed to be a science fair project but I don't really know what I was doing with them that was very scientific. My dad made me keep them in the backroom of the basement where they, one cold night, froze to death.

10. I believe that my children are the most beautiful, talented, extraordinary humans to ever walk the planet. I may have already mentioned this. Here they again though

12. I wish I had gone to college. I LOVE to learn but I don't think this is the reason I wish I had gone to college. I just think the whole experience is a pretty cool one. I want my kids to have it. I want them to feel a part of something like that and I really want them to have "college friends" they get together with until they are old and gray and can't really remember why they are getting together anymore...they just know they've been doing it for so long that it is something they are supposed to do.

13. My favorite numbers are 13 and 21. and the number 11 just bothers me, which is why I left it out...plus also it gets me to number 30 quicker and, honestly, I'm boring myself here...I can't believe you are still reading.

14. I LOVE Christmas and everything it represents...both religious and secular. I love shopping for gifts for my family, I love all the lights and the sounds and the smells. But every year it stresses me out...even when I try not to let it and I'm always thankful when it is over.

15. I have never made a new years resolution. I have more to add to this statement but it is the part I have rehearsed in my mind as the big finish to this post and, since I want to keep you reading I will leave it for the end.

16. I am morbidly obese... It's not something I'm super proud of but the Wii balance board would not lie to me I think. I'm still a skinny person in a fat person's body though. My weight is the one thing I would change about my life. And it's not because I feel ugly, because I don't... well some days when my hair looks bad I feel ugly, but I don't feel ugly because I'm fat. It's because I can't play with my kids the way I want to. It's because I can't run without things bouncing that shouldn't bounce and without my feet hurting and without sweating profusely on a cold winter day...and without having to pee. Also, I would change it because I don't even like leaving my house because clothes are uncomfortable, and clothes are sort of a given if you are going to leave your home. These things all bother me, because I have an adventurers soul and a circus freak's body.

17. I love puzzles of all kinds. I like crossword puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, sudoku, and legos.

18. I'm fairly certain I'm not going to make it to 30 in this list anyway....since I plowed through the age 30 fifteen years ago and left it panting and pleading for mercy.

19. These two little guys make me feel younger every day.

I'm fairly certain I've always been a decent mother. My older kids tell me that I am, and was, a good mommy. But Travis and Bryan are getting the best of me I think. It's not that I've stopped parenting the others, I still do and we have lots of parenting years ahead of us, but I'm more at peace now then I was when they were little. Part of me wishes I could go back and change that but, since that is not an option. I will just carry on and enjoy what I have.

20. Twenty seems like enough

21. I'm going to end with 21 the day I was born in the month of November in the year of our Lord nineteen sixty four; my basketball number back in the day when I was a point guard for the Bulldogs of Otsego High, and the number of years I have been entrenched (seems like a good word), for better or for worse, in marriage with my good friend Kevin D. Barclay.

So, going back to the point where I said I don't make New Year's resolutions...that may only have been a partial truth. At one time I'm sure I made a resolution or two. And, I'm equally certain that I broke them within days, if not mere moments of resolving them. I guess I just don't see the point. Not in resolutions themselves but in the man-made tradition on a man-made appointed time. Why each year? I don't see why a calendar should tell me that it is time to make a promise to be a better person, or treat my loved ones better, or treat myself better (i.e. shoot for only grossly obese). When every single day, nay, every single moment we are given that opportunity. Every single second, of every single hour, of every single day, of every single week...(you get the picture) I can resolve to be a better person than I was the moment before. It doesn't have to be a big deal, it usually isn't. Travis asked me about praying the other day. I don't really remember the question but I do remember saying that I don't really pray. Meaning, rare is the time that I will set aside moments and hit my knees in prayer, although there are days when that is vital. I just have a continual conversation with God...a direct mouth to ear... like the people that walk around town with their bluetooth devices in their ears and look like they are talking to themselves. Only I do it quietly because those people look crazy!

I will celebrate the New Year tonight because it is a tradition and because we have actually been invited somewhere. But, to me, it will always be moments, not years coming and going that are worthy of celebration. Little, irretrievable, nano seconds that will never be lived again. Those I will try to live with all my might.

Happy New Year or should I say Happy New Moment.